Book by Marian Partee

Lyrics by Noelle Donfeld

Music by Jan Powell

The citizens of Birmingham, Alabama, take great pride in their statue of the bare-assed god Vulcan. The year is 1939, and a stranger named John Doe announces a beauty contest to crown Vulcan’s Queen. Evelyn Tully, a bookish cosmetics clerk at the five-and-dime, would love to win the contest for the college scholarship, but she has neither the money nor the self-confidence to enter. Soda jerk and aspiring inventor, Glenn Williams, tries to convince her to compete, to no avail. The shy nerd also tries to confess his love for her… to no avail.

Three conniving debutantes prepare for the contest, with the assistance of hapless audience members. Pearl, a wannabe anorexic, enlists the aid of her mama to make a dietetic cabbage soup. Ruby, a cheerleader who personally helps each member of the Crimson Tide score, seeks flirting tips from her mama. Self-righteous Opal blackmails her philandering mayor daddy into buying her a gown from Neiman Marcus.

J.C. Inglis, manager of the five-and-dime, buys Evelyn a lovely gown and pays her entrance fee. Evelyn feels beautiful in the dress, especially when she dances with Glenn. She is tempted to compete, but she decides against it when she discovers that she’ll have to appear in a swimsuit.

When the debutantes discover that Evelyn has been entered in the pageant, they try to convince her that someone from her class shouldn’t dare to enter such an elite contest. Outraged, Evelyn finally agrees to vie for the crown.

John Doe hosts the pageant, in which Evelyn, the debutantes, and two audience members demonstrate their domestic skills, intellectual ability, and artistic talents. When Evelyn wins, John Doe reveals that he is in fact the god Vulcan, who has chosen her for his queen! When he offers to make her an immortal goddess, Evelyn chooses Glenn instead. Vulcan settles for the runner-up, one of the audience contestants, to join him in a life of endless rapture on Mount Olympus.